Wednesday, August 31, 2005

dah karat la ni...

alamak. hari ni terpaksa ber-belog (perkataan ciptaan vincent) dalam bahasa malaysia!

setelah menghabiskan dua tahun di singapura, saya haruslah mengakui bahawa kebolehan saya menulis atau bertutur dalam bahasa malaysia telah merosot dengan teruk sekali. seperti yang biasa dikatakan oleh generasi muda: saya dah berkarat.

ini memanglah terbukti pada bulan januari tahun ni, apabila saya mengambil jawatan guru ganti di sekolah menengah saya dulu. saya telah mencuba untuk mengajar dalam bahasa malaysia. semasa kelas itu dilangsungkan, seorang pelajar telah mengangkat tangannya dan mengemukakan permintaan supaya saya mengajar dalam bahasa inggeris kerana bahasa malaysia saya teruk sangat.

malu betul.

walaupun begitu, hari ni merupakan hari kemerdekaan negara tercinta saya yang ke-48, dan sempena hari ni, banyak orang dari komuniti belog telah bersetuju untuk menulis karangan dalam bahasa malaysia.

sebenarnya saya telah menulis satu karangan tentang realisasi saya sendiri bahawa saya sebenarnya adalah seorang yang suka bersendirian. tapi, memandangkan kebanyakan pem-belog telah menulis sesuatu berunsur kenegaraan, saya juga turut serta.

seperti yang telah ditulis dalam karangan lepas saya, saya tak begitu menghiraukan perayaan hari kemerdekaan. sikap acuh tak acuh saya ni dapatlah dipersalahkan atas sistem pendidikan kita yang hanya memberi fakta sahaja dan berharap fakta yang sikit itu dapat menanam nilai cinta kepada negara (hah! saya masih dapat ingat nilai-nilai moral!).

walau bagaimanapun, saya masih mencintai negara saya kerana di negara ni lah saya telah membesar. dah biasa dengan sistem pendidikan di sini, biasa dengan makanan, biasa dengan cuaca, biasa dengan sistem politik yang kian hari kian teruk...yang baik, yang buruk, semua dah biasalah.

saya paling benci orang yang suka mencaci negara saya dan membuat generalisasi tentang rakyat malaysia.

memanglah bandar saya ni tak begitu selamat (minggu lepas kawanku hampir menjadi mangsa pencuri rampas), sistem pengangkutan pun tak sehebat sesetengah negara, dan ekonomi pun tak terbahagi dengan adil sesama rakyat, tapi itulah masalah kami dan bukannya tempat orang luar untuk membuat komen.

kalau orang luar ada masalah dengan negara saya...berambuslah!

macam tony cottee, pemain bola sepak selangor dulu. tak tau la dia. dulu wira pasukan selangor, tapi bila dia nak meninggalkan malaysia barulah dia melahirkan segala ketakpuasaan tentang rakan sepasukannya yang bangun awal untuk bersembahyang, makanan yang pedas dan rungutan lain yang tak masuk akal betul. cis!

anyway, sekarang dia seorang pengkomen bola sepak untuk espn. setelah gagal bermain dengan baik untuk leceister city. hah.

okei, dah terkeluar topik.

apa yang saya mahu cakap ialah...walaupun malaysia memang mempunyai banyak kelemahan, ia masih satu negara yang baik. dan semua rakan saya yang melanjutkan pelajaran di luar negara pun merindui tempat ni.

kelemahan semua ke, ketidakadilan ke...semuanya dapat diatasi sekiranya kita mempunyai pemikiran yang positif dan menggalakkan. itu barulah perbezaan antara rakyat atau orang asing yang asyik merungut saja dan orang yang akan memajukan sendiri sambil memajukan negara malaysia.

saya tau karangan ini memanglah tak begitu menarik, tapi inilah sebaiknya saya dapat tulis. bahasa malaysia saya dah teruk berkarat.

haraplah saudara dan saudari dapat memaafkan saya.

akhir sekali...

selamat menyambut hari kemerdekaan malaysia ke-48! dah tua, negara ni. haha. kepada pem-belog sekalian: selamat ber-belog dalam bahasa malaysia!

sekian, terima kasih.

*nota: saya perlulah memberi penghargaan istimewa kepada kamus dwibahasa oxford-fajar edisi ketiga kerana telah banyak membantu dalam penulisan karangan ini. haha.

lishun at 2:27 PM

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Monday, August 29, 2005

mantra for orientation

since kamigoroshi's mantra for blogathon worked so well for him, i thought i'd try the mantra thingy to get through orientation, since it hasn't started off too well.

i will not let a petty person ruin my fun.

i will not let a petty person ruin my fun.

i will not let a petty person ruin my fun.

i will not let a petty person ruin my fun.

i will not let a petty person ruin my fun.

by the way, some of you must be wondering if the ragging is as bad as it was portrayed in the papers. well, it is, but who cares? it's still tonnes of fun anyway.

and i didn't spend an hour washing the butter, flour and eggs from my hair. all it took was two washings with dish-washing detergent and two shampooings and voila!

though i think i'll wash my hair again later tonight. still feels oily.

well, i still have three days of orientation to go, but i'll prob have laryngitis by tomorrow. haha. esp since i'm leading the cheers. am bracing myself for any more ragging, but i know it's not something i won't be able to handle.

and

i will not let a petty person ruin my fun.

*note: don't forget to check out merdekablogger.org. it's a project for malaysian bloggers to blog about merdeka day. my previous post was featured on the site, and a follow-up was written on the site today. do lend your support by visiting the site and registering to blog for merdeka day 2005!

lishun at 10:18 PM

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Saturday, August 20, 2005

the longest day

thursday was the longest day of my life.

it started at 12am, when i volunteered to stay awake with the nurse for the night, keeping a bedside vigil for my grandmother. her phlegm was lodged in her throat and she had difficulty breathing, so we had to constantly watch her in case she choked.

my mother took over at 2am, and i had a fitful 4 hours of sleep that night.

in the morning, almost my whole family was in my house. we bustled around doing the necessary chores for the day. i helped with my grandmother's daily wipe-down, lovingly slathering lotion on her dry, jaundiced skin and applying her favourite styling cream onto her hair.

as the time approached noon, my grandmother started coughing up blood. it was a sight that shook me to the bone. however, the image that will remain in my mind forever will be the scene that occured not long after.

my beloved grandma stopped breathing 10 minutes shy of 12pm.

my uncle tried to keep calm, but his voice was shaking as he said, "her breath's been cut off. nurse? is there a pulse?" but he was already drowned out by the wailing of my aunts who were screaming, "mother! mother!!"

and i'll never, never forget the sight of my aunt, my grandmother's eldest daughter, running into the room with tear-streaked cheeks and red eyes, yelling, "no...she can't be gone. she can't be gone!" it's something i'll bring with me forever, and it's a scene i've replayed in my mind over and over again for the last two days.

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when a loved one dies, people normally start to feel guilty about various things.

maybe they should have paid more attention; that way the disease might have been detected earlier and treatment might have been possible.

what if they had called for a nurse earlier, or allowed them to undergo that minor surgery that might have relieved one of the symptoms?

they should have told them they love them more often. maybe the deceased died without knowing how much they were loved.

but have you ever wondered what people feel when they know they've done everything they could, and they know their loved one knows how much they are loved? what do they feel then, if there is nothing to be guilty about?

i can tell you what they feel.

betrayal.

those people who love with all their hearts and have done it all for the person they love...they feel betrayed when their loved one passes away.

betrayed because all the care and love and concern they invested in that person brought no returns other than anguished tears. betrayed because they were left behind by someone who promised to be there always. betrayed because they could no longer fulfill the vow to love someone for the whole of their lives.

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my family sprung into action almost immediately after my father came home. he called the papers to put in an obituary. my cousins and i, together with the 3 family maids, carried all the furniture in my living room to the rooms upstairs. my aunts and uncles dressed my grandmother the moment her death was confirmed, in order to get the job done before rigor mortis set in.

it was like everyone was just triggered into motion by her death and suddenly we were rational robots who could even think of things like the onset of rigor mortis.

the funeral arrangements were made, clothes were changed, production lines (for putting sweets into red packets, for folding papers, for stapling bags) were formed, and last minute task delegations were carried out.

at night, we patiently endured 3 1/2 hours of buddhist chanting, and we entertained guests who came to offer their condolences and to catch a last glimpse of the woman who was, and still is, the superglue that keeps my family of 20 so close-knit.

when the ceremonies were over and we had finished packing up for the night, i took a quick shower and locked the room to my door.

i hadn't shed a single tear throughout the whole day. while my 8-yr-old cousin sobbed on and off during the organised chaos of preparing for my grandmother's funeral, i went about doing odd jobs and cracking tasteful jokes to cheer my relatives up.

it was 12am when i opened up my journal to document the day.

24 hours ago, i sat by my grandmother's bed, on a personal mission to keep her alive. 24 hours later, i was sitting on what used to be my grandmother's bed, on a mission to make sure i remember how she lived.

the words in my journal flowed as freely as the tears that soaked each sentence as i wrote about the betrayal that had befallen my family on the 18th of august 2005.

the longest day of my life.

lishun at 10:14 PM

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Sunday, August 14, 2005

just...stuff

just some random stuff today.

i love my new sandals. they're purple, and soft, and the heels look absolutely adorable.

however, they're also turning my already-blister-scarred feet into a blister garden. i walked around OU today with 2 plasters on my left foot. now, i have three plasters on my left foot and if the two blisters on my right foot pop, there'll be a grand total of 5 plasters on my feet by tomorrow, rendering me slippers- and sports shoes- dependent for the next week. how unsexy for already unsexy me.

i cannot believe the premiership has begun! i have 4 straight hours of football awaiting me tonight...and i slept at 3am yesterday! aargh! i can't believe i'm actually going to be around for the entire season for the first time in...3 seasons! woohoo!

oh yes...happy birthday, fiona! jiaen...i'll try my best not to get your birthday mixed up with fi's next year. err. oops. heh.

my friend waisun referred me to a couple of games last night, all by an insane japanese graphics guy called toshimitsu tagaki. these are not easy. well, i found them tough anyway. but then, i'm quite stupid, so yeah. *shrugs*

i'm sure you're smarter than me and won't need the cheats and walkthroughs. but if you do, just google for 'em.

the crimson room
the viridian room ~ i thought this was creepy.
the blue chamber

i, err, lasted about 30 seconds for each game before i googled for tips. heh.

if you enjoy that kind of riddle-ish frustration-inducing stuff, you might also wanna try not pron. this one's much tougher than the room series. really.

it's so ironic...when the haze was at its worse, i suffered nothing but some mild wheezing and an annoyingly itchy nose. now, the haze has cleared up and it's even rained the entire afternoon...and i'm sneezing, and my throat hurts, and my eyes are watering. gah. gaaaaaaaaaaah!

i think shenley looks great with her boyfriend. and he's a nice chap too. hehe. are you reading this shenley? jin? haha.

anyway, for those of you who care, my grandma's not doing too good. do continue to pray for her. frankly i'm a bit scared right now. i already miss her. =(

lishun at 9:41 PM

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Friday, August 12, 2005

just listen and learn

lately i've become the unwilling target of an outpour of the unexpressed resentment, worries, good intentions and misconceptions of my relatives.

it hasn't been easy listening to people talk about their problems, especially since those problems involve the people i love and trust.

i hate this part of growing up, when people feel i'm old enough to know more about what lies beneath the surface of a tight, loving family. yeah sure, i'm old enough to understand and make my own judgements, but it doesn't mean i actually want to know.

most of the stuff involves old history dating back to when i was still preoccupied with finishing my bm karangan in time and being stressed over a monster of a physics teacher. it involves never-changing characters and traditional ideas, two things that have nothing to do with me.

i mean, i can understand why my loved ones want me to know more about the complex relationships in my family, but the thing is...it's their family. my family, as far as i'm concerned, consists of my grandmother, my parents, my sister and my dog.

whatever communication problems we have, we solve ourselves. whatever communication problems my relatives share should very well be solved within their own circle. yeah, it's related to me one way or another, but the connection is so far off...i can't do anything about it. it's not my place to say anything.

but yeah, i'll listen. i'll listen and learn about my family, about how it works and how it hasn't worked. it's a good lesson in human relationships, one i badly need in view of my desire to see things only on the surface. i just find that once things become complicated, the main point is lost among all the mess and in the end, everyone loses the plot. and i don't like that.

but i'll listen and learn. i'll be squirming in my seat and praying for a way out of every discussion while trying to maintain a genuine interest, but i'll be listening. and learning.

lishun at 11:45 PM

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Thursday, August 04, 2005

new template!

i've been using "dog's life" for much too long.

it's not firefox compatible, which makes it a pain now that almost everyone is using firefox, even "in-a-rut" me.

and if you're NOT using firefox, well, you should be. why? well, there aren't any of those annoying "only the best" popups that come from nowhere, for one. and...and...hey isn't no popups a good enough reason???

anyway, here's my new look. it's clean, fresh, lots of white space...just the way i like it! i don't really like the glaring red and blue though...so if anyone knows how to change the colours to, erm, something less garang, please email me or something. i like soothing colours like turquoise or forest green or lavender...aah (you know i'm a girl when i don't use "blue", "green" or "purple", hah).

so...it's a new look. a new start. i'm gonna resolve to be a more serious blogger. hmph. that's right. uh-huh. yeppers.

i'll start, erm, next entry. heh.

lishun at 9:55 AM

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