Sunday, March 26, 2006

nerd wannabe

in primary school, i was in a band playing the "tak-tak-um-tak" (i dunno what it's called), sang in the choir, learnt to play the alto recorder, did choral speaking, represented my school for netball and handball, participated in the star's news in education newspaper competition, helped arrange my class' page in the yearbook and was the assistant head prefect.

in secondary school, i was in the english lit club, led a company of girl guides, became the drill sergeant for the rangers, wrote for the editorial board, joined BRATs, was selected as head prefect and went to the school prom.

in college, i wrote for the college newsletter, was a student leader in the asean committee, helped out with the house council, became a librarian and was the rep for the asean scholars at my college.

in uni, i'm doing a mime for easter, counted shit loads of money for book orders, tried debating, volunteered to help out with the recruitment drive - for TWO clubs, no less, have discipleship cell every week, am in the ushering ministry at church, and, if i had the money and the company, would have gotten tickets to the ball.

but sometimes all i really wanna be is a nerd who has no time for nothing but her books. it's so so easy to be invisible and have no responsibilities other than the one everyone has towards their parents: to ensure that their investments into your education will not go to waste. it means you're not accountable to anyone other than your parents, yourself and, if you believe, God.

i don't know. for the last week i found myself being responsible for everything and everyone except myself, my parents and God. i ran around without taking a single sip of water (my friends in college called me a desert rat with really long loops of henle in my nephrons), i didn't have time to pray, i wasn't home to give my mother the support she needs now that she's taking insulin shots, and i certainly wasn't studying or doing my elective report, or anything else i was supposed to do.

of course this is all part of the "grass is greener" syndrome. if i did indeed choose to withdraw into the shell of books and studies and no other responsibilities, i would be moaning about my lack of a so-called "life". if i had all the spare energy a nerd undoubtedly has stored somewhere, i would lament the limited channels into which that energy could be directed.

at this moment, however - with my notes, microbio book and unfinished elective report in front of me and the thoughts of cell, recruitment drive, easter and the international book fair in my head - all i seriously wanna do is run away and hide from the world.

i just wanna be a first-rate nerd.

lishun at 11:21 AM