Wednesday, March 22, 2006

a question of faith

"can you please pray for her? just pray that God will open her heart and open my eyes so i can see how i can reach out and talk to her."

she had trouble talking to her housemate. yet, she had such faith that God will help her find a way to overcome that difficulty, faith to stop me before i got into my car and ask me to pray for her housemate.

i have to confess that i find it hard to pray. i talk to God every moment i feel prompted to, but i'm not one to kneel by my bed, close my eyes, and clasp my hands in prayer every night.

although it is partly a matter of lack of discipline, but i know the main problem is my lack of faith. i've always been mostly self-sufficient and, as desperate as i am to achieve it, i find it incredibly difficult to have faith in God, to have faith that He is there and that He hears me.

when my friends and i pray together before exams, there is still space in my mind to house a little doubt. the skeptic in me says, "why on earth are you trusting God to see you through? you know how much you studied for this. you'll reap what you sowed. if you did well, it would be because of your diligence. if you didn't do well, you know there's no one but yourself to blame."

even now, as i look dismally at my over-packed schedule, i know in theory that the one and only way for me to make it through not only unscathed but also achieving nothing short of excellence is to lay down all my burdens before God and have faith that He will see me through. i can only wade across this sea of responsibility if i surrender my pride at His feet and admit that i cannot possibly do it by my own strength.

it's just so so hard to do that. this prideful heart still thinks she can make it on her own. and it devastates me. which is why i've been so irritable these days. i am just overwhelmed by the things i need to do.

i am constantly touched by people like my friend who asked me to pray for her housemate. today at cf, a psychologist came and said that he felt God was challenging us to go all out for Him and have faith that He will pave the way. after cf, i was having a chat with some friends and i told them that i am afraid that i will never be able to get married and have a family if i pursue my dream of working for the UN or any other NGO in the future. my senior put her hand on my shoulder and said, "God will provide."

yes, God will provide. i've seen Him do it. i've heard testimonies from people who have sacrificed everything to go where God has commanded them to go, with nothing but faith to see them through. and they've made it.

i know it, i've seen it, i've heard it. so what's stopping me from putting it into practice? why is it so hard?

if i could but have one quarter of the faith my friend displayed today, i know i will never have room for doubt ever again.

lishun at 11:25 PM