Wednesday, January 21, 2009

lost found

i refuse to read this.

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learned helplessness. those two words best describe the last 4 years of my life.

i have very high expectations for myself and others. some of them are unrealistic, but most of them are very achievable. however, as things always go, those with the most expectations tend to meet with the most disappointments.

i wish i could say that things were out of my control, that i could have done nothing to prevent them, but the reality is that i am responsible for my failures...starting from the very first one that has brought me to this point right here.

sometimes i look at myself and wonder what has gone wrong. i guess all those expectations that i failed to meet have eventually eroded my spirit. if i were completely honest...right now...i am not motivated to do anything anymore. i don't really want to try my best. i don't want to fight the tide and reach the shore. the water, the cold cold water, is fast becoming familiar against my skin.

there was a time when mediocrity was my greatest fear. now? it is acceptable, welcome even.

it's not about the upcoming exams. it's about what comes after in the many, many years ahead. what happened? what went wrong? where did i lose the person i used to be?

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the comic above reminds me that obstacles are often not as big a deal as i make them out to be, that instead of blaming God, i should find comfort in His presence and have faith that He is good (with a track record to prove it).

but i don't blame Him for this. i blame myself for failing time and time again, for throwing things away, for screwing up. i could be so much better than this, but i'm not because i'm not doing it right, i'm wasting what i could be. wasting all that faith and trust and love in my life. wasting it all.

lishun at 4:13 PM

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