lishun's musings

Saturday, September 30, 2006

the corny one with the self-affirmation

"yeah, i'm a freak (of nature)
yeah, i'm a freak
if only i could be as cool as you
as cool as you
body and soul, i'm a freak"
- from "freak" by silverchair

"i wish i were special
you're so f**king special
but i'm a creep, i'm a weirdo
what the hell am i doing here?
i don't belong here"
- from "creep" by radiohead

"i don't know why i'm feeling sorry for myself
i spend all my time
wishing i were someone else"
- from "girl next door" by saving jane

---

isn't anyone even just a little bit happy with who they are anymore?

just this morning a close friend, with every good intention, suggested that i start hanging out in the places that he hangs out in. perhaps i should pick up the sports he plays, do the things he likes to do, listen to the same kind of music he puts on repeat on his mp3 player. i should try to break into his social circle, talk about the same things they talk about.

so i'd be able to get an opportunity to talk to him.

it's very practical, of course. i did that in secondary school and it worked. sorta. it gave me chances to steal some conversation, but at the end of the day nothing happened anyway because no matter what, i was still me.

i will always be lishun - the dork with bushy hair, a love for rock music, a penchant for embarrassing herself on the dancefloor, an equal interest in medical journals and cleo, an obsession with nathan scott, and the desire to go where i am needed in the future.

i'm a freak, a creep, the girl next door...and no amount of changing my interests will make me less me. although sometimes i envy the seemingly perfect people of the world, at least i am not blinded by the illusion that if i became someone i'm not, it'll make me more attractive.

it's a long shot, but even if anything were to happen, he'll just have to like me as the lishun that i am.

lishun at 5:48 PM

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

deja vu all over again

"when i was 8 years old, i had a crush on a classmate. his name was timothy and the reason i liked him was because he was the only boy in my class who was taller than me.

one day, when we had pe with mr. thomas, a stray tennis ball hit timothy right on the noggin. i felt so sorry for him that i gave him my last bar of chocolate before i alighted the bus we took home every day.

he never talked to me again."

- from "something" (tuesday, 3rd jan 2006)

you looked sad today - sad and distant, while you chided yourself for taking it all too seriously. you tried to be supportive, but the disappointment was unmistakable in your eyes. when your gaze met mine, you looked away and continued to seek solace in a proven friend. there wasn't space for a stranger like me.

i had a small piece of cadbury's with me later this evening and when i saw you, i thought of timothy and how it all went 13 years ago.

i know it was a long time ago and i should be wiser now. i know that this is all very juvenile and i am a pseudo-adult now. i wanted so badly to go downstairs, accidentally on purpose bump into you and maybe strike up a casual conversation that could end in me giving you a smile, saying "maybe you need some endorphins to cheer you up" and handing over that square of chocolate to you.

but i unwrapped the candy and popped it into my mouth.

lishun at 11:59 AM

Sunday, September 24, 2006

don't hate

"you should just go for the man who loves you and you don't hate"
- my mother, all the time

ok. great. so i'm supposed to wait for someone to sincerely fight for me and if i don't hate him, we will live happily ever after.

so i'm supposed to grow to love someone who already loves me instead of have it so we love each other at the same pace.

i mean i know that guys will never take any girl they didn't have to work for seriously and the girl making the first move doesn't really make sense in our culture...

...but somehow i feel i would be shortchanged if i were to just accept that and wait for someone i don't hate to love me and then hope that not hating him will eventually grow into loving him.

i'm not pretty enough to have that work well for me.

lishun at 12:50 AM

Saturday, September 23, 2006

everyone else

"playing by the rules makes everyone else happy"
- kalvin, from "house" #207

it's nice and it's safe to play by the rules. be good. be nice. make sure everyone likes you and find you a lovely, pleasant person to be with. don't make mistakes, don't cross the line, don't screw up.

it makes everyone happy, so it should make you happy, no?

not if you know that deep down inside you are kinda mean and loud and obnoxious and politically incorrect because no one is freaking perfect. certainly not you.

so what's the point of putting up a nice front for people to look at and like when really, there are parts of you that want to bitch and swear and offend? is there a reward for self-control? do you get to live a better life by being honest, fair and everything good all the time?

...

sometimes i talk to much. there are times when i get carried away. when i do, please remember that despite all that talk about wanting to be rebellious and stop being the goody-two-shoes i play all the time, the reality is that i do feel happier when other people are happy. and as egoistic as it is, i do feel absolutely terrible when i realise i've been insensitive, regardless whether people were offended or not.

so i'm really sorry, "everyone else". i try my best to play by the rules, no matter how bored i really am doing it. as long as you're happy, it's fine with me.

and that wasn't meant to come across as sarcastic.

lishun at 12:47 AM

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

miscellaneous

bloggers' block. i am going to write noodle posts from now on because, well, things have been rather noodle-post-ish.

my flickr account has been maxed out. so no new photos till october!

the girls bagged the netball gold (whee!) and the boys played their hearts out but finished runners-up for basketball (sob).

haematology classes have started and i am dreading the lovely lectures on blood-related topics simply because they are so incredibly boring yet not easy to comprehend at all.

at the moment i am at a loss as to what to do in the mornings because my only options are to...

(a) study (eek!)
(b) kacau people studying (kesian sem5 msk!)
(c) kacau cheerleaders (mengada betul)
(d) laze at home (gah!)
(e) hang out in imu doing nothing (and end up practically living there anyway)

...not very attractive at all.

the only spot of reflection i've probably had in the last 5 days was when i was having supper with my friend lela after the bball match on monday night. we were just chilling, having a bit of a snack, when the name of an old friend from secondary school came up. no one was really nice to him then, mainly because he was a pretty needy person who kind of forced friendships on himself, hence pushing more people away.

i was one of those who were mean to him. when he called for no reason, i never stopped to chat with him. i guess others did that too and very soon we lost touch. i have no idea how he's doing now, although i have heard from some people that he's alright, but not particularly happy.

i know the world doesn't revolve around me and, more often than not, what i do has no impact on anyone whatsoever. like i mentioned in a previous post, it's egoistic to think that i have some kind of effect on other people's lives when in reality it's the way they deal with things and their own thoughts that change them.

however, i just can't help but think: would things have been better if i were nicer? if we were all nicer? and less judgemental?

sigh.

anyway, there's a hip hop thingamajig at laundrybar@thecurve on saturday night, after futsal. anyone wants to go?

lishun at 8:48 AM

Friday, September 15, 2006

csi guys

so.

respi sucked. i have a mild fever. i'm a dork. he's a jock. my friday night plans were all scrapped. and i'm here blogging. about csi guys.

warrick brown - gary dourdan

green eyes. sigh. afro. sigh. super intelligent csi lab skills. sigh.

i love warrick. i love the sexual tension between him and catherine. i love csi. next!

greg sanders - eric szmanda

i strongly believe that sarcasm and witty one-liners are absolutely essential to any television show. greg is probably the character in csi: crime scene investigation, other than grissolm of course, who has the best lines. even when he was just a lab tech who made occassional hits on sara, he had me hooked.

wittiness. definitely right up there on the hot scale.

ryan wolfe - jonathan togo

no one can ever fully replace speed, my fave fave csi: miami character ever, but wolfe is doing a pretty good job.

plus he's also got the one-liner thing going on. and chocolate brown hair. yum.

danny messer - carmine giovinazzo

danny. almost a tanglewood. looks good in glasses. has an italian accent. very emotional. fiercely loyal. plays pranks on his colleagues. really smart. bad boy turned good.

grwl.

---

ok. i need to sleep off my fever. nite.

lishun at 11:54 PM

Thursday, September 14, 2006

saje

a champagne sky, a glass of rain
a toast to everything that could have been
a time of anguish, a smile of pain
a metaphor of everything that you mean
to me

...

stupid caffeine high.

lishun at 12:33 AM

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

random pre-respi thoughts

i never realised what an arrogant, rude and bitter person i must have been in secondary school. yesterday, while talking to a senior about a mutual friend, i found myself having nothing much nice to say about that person eventhough our post-secondary school "relationship" now is actually pretty okay albeit distant. then i thought about the many people i have no problem talking to now, but would never associate myself with in school.

in a way, it's great to know that i've managed to put high school behind me and am making some kind of progress in my resolve to not let first impressions deter me from getting to know people further. however, i just can't help but think about the many more people i would have known and had a better relationship with in school had i been less judgemental and more forgiving.

---

"you're the analyst, the fungus in my milk" - the greatest view (silverchair)
ok wait, who died and made fungus romantic?

"come on and we'll sing like we were free, push the pedal down watch the world around fly by us" - nothing left to lose (mat kearney)
sigh.

"you're the only one who can get me on my feet and i can't even dance" - no tomorrow (orson)
i actually think that's a really sweet thing to say.

"he showed up all wet on the rainy front step, wearing shrapnel in his skin" - i don't wanna wait (paula cole)
somehow, the phrase "wearing shrapnel in his skin" caught my attention.

---

i hate that you're right, because you don't know me well enough to have the right to be right. and what makes it worse is that because you're right, now i feel even more sure that i'm right too eventhough there is no way for me to make it right simply because it's wrong. and stupid. and now i have nothing left to say.

---

tomorrow: 1030am - interview with cwl
thursday: 930pm - moonshine @ laundry bar, but i can't go because...
friday: 1030am - blardy respi ica
also on friday: 1pm - icecream party, 3pm - cheerleading for footie team, 4pm - netball practice, 7pm - cheerleading for girls bball, sometimeb4midnight - after 8 sale (if everything cool hasn't been snapped up already by then)

gah.

---

my priorities are not in line with my responsibilities. that kinda sucks.

lishun at 9:46 PM

Sunday, September 10, 2006

digital memories - m206 orientation

my fave pics from the recent m206 orientation...

patriotic chilli sauce nipple squeezing action

miss johor, makeup artist extraordinaire

...get more good schtuff here.

lishun at 3:53 PM

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

too busy

sorry for the lack of updates. i know no one reads me enough to miss my musings, but hey, i like to think i actually have a readership. lol.

well, the reason why i've been away from the www for so long is because i've been too busy living.

i've been spending my time singing at the top of my lungs when i'm alone in my car. i've been studying at a pace i know is too slow (respi next fri, gah!) but i am comfortable with. i've been laughing in a more annoying manner and raising my eyebrows more when i talk. i've been dumping my notes to watch cute guys sweat it out on the basketball court. i've been fighting the urge to stop my car in the middle of the highway just so i can get a picture of the morning champagne sky. i've been figuring out a way to get to luna bar after church for a party. i've been grooving to the music on my mp3 player when i'm studying in the library.

i've just been feeling like i should break more rules, be hedonistic, step on the accelerator and scream my dreams out to no one from the top of a hill ala some corny japanese movie.

it's not often that i feel like this. most of the time, my life is bound by the expectations of other people and how they would feel about my actions. i go home early not because i want to, but because i know my parents would not be able to sleep until they hear my front door click closed. i don't go and support every game my batch in uni plays not because i don't want to, but because i don't want to lose the freedom i get in return for good grades.

but, these days, i just want to say, "screw you!" to every piece of responsible lishun there is in me and do exactly what makes me happy.

and blogging isn't really on that list at the moment.

so forgive me if you check this site every day to see if i've moved on from the after eight sale (any takers besides pwasad?) and leave disappointed that i did not blog about steve irwin (God bless his soul) or about orientation (*some* pics are up but i won't blog about it anytime soon) or even about the football and basketball matches that went on yesterday and today (2-2 and 40-27! woot!).

i'm just too busy living life outside the blogosphere.

lishun at 11:17 PM