Tuesday, October 03, 2006

teach me

"teach me to love, this is my prayer -
may the compassion of Thy heart i share,
ready a cup of water to give,
may i unselfishly for others live.
- petersen

it's been a frustrating day.

after struggling with the catch-22 situation below - asking friends for advice about it, venting in the most polite way i could about it - i decided to just be supportive.

i was at wit's end when i stopped a friend and pleaded, "please, tell me how to love someone who doesn't love herself. tell me!"

her reply shocked me. "tell her to go and die lah." upon seeing the baffled look on my face (this friend might be no-nonsense, but she certainly has a heart!), she explained a little more gently, "i find it hard to continue loving people like that too. that's why we need the grace of God."

just a couple of hours ago, i was once again torn from my nightly mugging activities by a call. she sobbed her way through the whole conversation and i tried my best to calm her down. i'm not sure if it worked (i hope it did) but i was left drained when she hung up and i headed back to the library.

my mind was no longer on benign blood proliferative disorders, neither was it on my impending cvs physical examination practice tomorrow. i was just so tired and angry - tired, because it takes energy to channel optimism into a defeated soul; angry, because i once again fed her unsatiated appetite.

it was then that i screamed at God: why did He have to love me? why did He have to put His love in me and make sure i have a heart for people, whether or not i want to even like them? at that very moment, i wanted to be cruel and mean and not give a damn about whether or not she feels better and more motivated. it's so much easier to walk away.

but as i flipped angrily through "our daily bread", i came across the poem above in tomorrow's episode. "teach me", it says. i need to keep learning and practising and praying that no matter how much i want to hate, God's grace will make sure that i never lose that heart of love that came when He loved me.

may the compassion of Thy heart i share, Lord. teach me.

lishun at 10:06 PM